I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
