he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
