Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
