i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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