you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
