Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
