saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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