Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
