Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
