your parents love me but you hate me
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
