They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
