on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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