so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
