If that was your dad, he is hot
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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