Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
