so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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