a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
