ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
