I will die if light touches me.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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