Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
