I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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