Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
