i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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