I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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