I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
