so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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