just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
