i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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