you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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