That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
