I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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