o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
