I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
