Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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