How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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