I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
