he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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