My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
