apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
