i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
