even my farts smell like vagina
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
