I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
