I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
