Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
