the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
