Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
