right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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