We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
