I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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