I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
