I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I cut my penus on the lid.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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