She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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