I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
